This is the transcript of when I was interviewed by an odd five-year-old.*

KID:           (reading card) “What’s your name?”

ME:            Bill Canterbury.

KID:           (reading card) “Where were you born?”

ME:            In Massachusetts.

KID:           Why did you choose there?

ME:            Well, I didn’t. Nobody consulted with me about it ahead of time. Monaco would have been nice, I imagine. In a race car would have been exciting. Massachusetts is lovely though. I still spend half my time there.

KID:           Which half? Mornings or nights?

ME:            (laughing amiably) I live half the year in Massachusetts, the rest of the time in Los Angeles.

KID:           (reading card) “How many books have you written?”

ME:            Four so far, with more on the way.

KID:           Are they boring?

ME:            (infuriated) I don’t think so.

KID:           If there’s no cats they’re boring. (reading card) “You went to college and have a degree in math.”

ME:            That’s true. I love math. It’s a beautiful discipline.

KID:           Are you good at counting?

ME:            (proud) Very, and I’m counting the minutes until this interview is over.

KID:           (proud) I can count to twenty-three. Also to eight. (reading card) “Where do you write?”

ME:            At a desk, or on a walk, or, like now, lying in repose on my fainting couch. Ideas come at any time, so I always have on me bits of paper.

KID:           I once fainted. I fainted all night then I had breakfast.

ME:            You may have just been asleep.

KID:           Would you like a cookie?

ME:            Absolutely!

KID:           So would I! (reading card) “You work in Hollywood.”

ME:            I’ve been on the writing staffs of many TV shows, both animated and live-action. I’m lucky that I get to hang out with funny people all day.

KID:           Do you know Sam the Sandwich?

ME:            Is that a person? I would remember someone named that.

KID:           (reading card) “What awards have you won?”

ME:            I was once nominated for a People’s Choice Award once, up against Harrison Ford.

KID:           For most hair? You have a lot of hair. Is that a wig?

ME:            (infuriated) No. (then) Harrison and I were in different categories. I was in the “Best New Sitcom” category and his category was probably “Most Handsome.” He won, I lost. Also, I was once in a pancake cooking contest.

KID:           The same night?

ME:            (lying) Yes, the same night. Harrison won that too.

KID:           (reading card) “Are you ready for the lightning round?” Wait, it’s capitalized. (yelling) “THE LIGHTNING ROUND?”

ME:            (yelling back) YES!

KID:           (reading card) “Favorite movie?”

ME:            Anything with Peter Sellers or Christopher Guest.

KID:           (reading card) “Favorite snack?”

ME:            Baked Alaska.

KID:           (reading card) “How often do you wear a tuxedo?”

ME:            Every day.

KID:           That’s all the questions. I’m tired.

ME:            Me too.

KID:           I wish I interviewed Sam the Sandwich.

ME:            (sigh)

Harrison Ford

vs.

Me